Jonathan Haverkampf

With anxiety my lifelong companion, I have learned to keep spontaneity to a minimum. But I still cherish the occasional outbreakI’m a fairly anxious person. I know this because whenever I’m on the tube, I like to play a game I call: “If a zombie apocalypse broke out now, who would I align with and who would I leave behind?” Usually, the scrawny guy listening to 80s hip-hop is my top choice for potential ally. The buff gym dude manspreading across the carriage gets ditched because – according to The Walking Dead – betas are resourceful, while alphas become extremely aggressive zombies after their hubris inevitably gets them bitten (RIP Glenn and Shane).My brain constantly conjures up make-believe worst-case scenarios that I put time, effort and energy into solving. Time, effort and energy that should be put into work, admin or Tinder. My anxiety has become a lifelong companion that I have learned to manage by keeping to set routines. All my days look virtually the same: I wake up, bike into town, work from a cafe, eat my prepped meal boxes and go to the gym. There is no room for error or spontaneity because spontaneity is an uncalculated risk that my anxiety levels can’t afford for me to take. Continue reading…

There are many changes you can make to live a less anxious life, from healthy eating to keeping fit. When motivation is in short supply, putting them into action is another thingI’ve been having strange symptoms for six months. Doctors are confused, I’m struggling to sleep and my anxiety is through the roof. Honestly, you should see the state of my 2am Googles. Normal, healthy searches, eg “Petite Lithuanian supply teacher tells you you’re failing” has been replaced by “Are palpitations a sign of a heart attack?” and “When is a skin rash definitely cancer?” Anxiety feels like being in a constant state of fear, and that’s tiring. If only I could sleep. In addition to health worry there is the what-if-I-can’t-pay-my-bills worry, relationships worry, does-everyone-hate-me worry, have-I-failed-at-life worry. I tell them to wait in line, I’ll get to them all.I don’t get this from my mother. She is a dreamer who doesn’t worry about a thing, whose mantra is “go with the flow!” More likely it’s from my late father – a man who believed whatever “go” was, it was flowing towards ruin. I have memories of him moving tiny amounts of money around every day, taking out every insurance policy he could, controlling his diet with rigour. Like him, I am convinced that around every corner hides a catastrophe. Unlike him, I take no practical steps to meet it, so I suppose I’m an unfortunate combination of them both. Continue reading…