When you are the one who remembers, organises and keeps things going.
Perhaps you remember the appointment, notice that the food is running low, and keep track of what everyone needs for tomorrow. Even when you sit down, there may be another small thing waiting in your mind. And when someone says, “You only had to ask,” you realise that asking would have been another thing to organise.
You can care deeply about the people in your life and still feel worn out by how much falls to you. Needing more help does not make that care any less real.
The work behind the task
Some of this work is easy to miss. The shopping may involve noticing what is running out, thinking about meals, checking the budget, making a list, getting to the shop and putting everything away. If someone picks up the bags but you still arrange all the rest, there may be a lot left on your shoulders.
Researchers sometimes call the remembering and planning “cognitive household labour.” It is part of the work of looking after a household, even when there is little to show for it at the end of the day.1
You do not need to list everything you do to explain why you are tired. One ordinary example may be enough to begin.
Finding words for what you need
If it feels safe to talk, choose a time when you have a little space. You might say:
“I’m finding it hard to keep track of everything. Could we look at what needs doing and share more of the responsibility?”
Or start with something specific:
“Could you take care of the food shop this week, including checking what we need and planning when to go? I’d like to be able to leave that with you.”
Use your own words. A short written message may feel easier, and you can pause or come back to the conversation. Being clear about what would help can give the other person something concrete to respond to.2 You do not have to explain yourself perfectly before your needs deserve attention.
Sharing more of the responsibility
It may help to agree what taking care of that task includes. For shopping, that could mean checking what is needed, staying within an agreed budget, and having the food put away by a particular day. A reminder on the other person’s phone might help them keep track without you having to prompt them.
There is room for different ways of doing things, while still respecting essential needs such as food allergies, safety and cost. You could agree to check in after a week or two: “Has this made things easier? What needs changing?” Each person can help notice when an arrangement needs attention.
What is fair will depend on your circumstances. Illness, disability, work and caring can all affect what someone can manage. Written steps, reminders or other support may be part of a workable arrangement. People need different kinds of help, and those needs can change.
If you’ve talked about sharing things but little has changed, it can feel discouraging. You might say, “I’m still finding this hard. Could we look again at how to share the work?” Using “we” can be a gentle way to show that you’d like to work on this together, if it feels natural and safe to say it.5 Making a change takes effort from both of you.
If there is nobody to share it with
You may be living alone, caring on your own, or surrounded by people who have little capacity left themselves. A conversation cannot create time, money or support that is not there.
For now, is there anything that could safely be simpler or wait? Perhaps a less elaborate meal or a household job done less often would ease the week a little. Essential care and safety still matter. If food, housing or someone’s care is becoming difficult to manage, seek practical advice promptly from a local community service, social worker, carer organisation or healthcare team. What is available varies, but you can ask someone to help you find out.
There is room for you, too
Rest, company and time for something you enjoy matter too.3 That might be reading, making something, exploring an interest or simply having a quiet moment to yourself. You need not wait until every job is finished. Where possible, make space for this when sharing responsibilities, so that a break does not just leave more waiting for you afterwards.
It can be very helpful to talk with someone you trust or a qualified mental health professional about how things have been for you. You might begin, “I’m keeping things going, but I’m struggling. Could we talk?” If stress is lasting, getting worse or affecting sleep or everyday life, seek professional support.3
If asking for change brings threats, control or fear, you do not have to negotiate with the person making you feel unsafe. A specialist domestic-abuse service can help you consider your options; use a safer device or way of contacting them if someone may be monitoring you. In immediate danger, contact local emergency services.4
Your needs belong in the picture as well.
Sources and further reading
Sources checked 4 November 2026. This is general information, not an assessment or a substitute for individual care.
1. United States — household responsibility: Aviv, E., Waizman, Y., Kim, E., Liu, J., Rodsky, E. and Saxbe, D. Cognitive household labor: gender disparities and consequences for maternal mental health and wellbeing. Archives of Women’s Mental Health, 28, 5–14 (2025; first published online in 2024). This study of 322 mothers found associations, not proof of cause and effect; it does not represent every household or test this guide.
2. Australia — expressing a need: Centre for Clinical Interventions, Assertiveness, particularly How to Behave More Assertively, Module 4. The suggested words above are original examples, which you can change to suit yourself.
3. Canada — stress and support: Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, Stress. Includes support, time for enjoyable activities and when to seek professional help.
4. Australia — when a relationship feels unsafe: 1800RESPECT, Domestic and family violence, Safety planning and Technology and safety. The service is Australian; elsewhere, look for a specialist service where you live.
5. United States — using “we”: Karan, A., Rosenthal, R. and Robbins, M. L. Meta-analytic evidence that we-talk predicts relationship and personal functioning in romantic couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(9), 2624–2651 (2019; first published online in 2018). This review found associations in couples; it does not show that changing a word will change someone’s behaviour or resolve a difficult situation.
Related free guides
Would you like to talk with someone? Dr Jonathan Haverkampf offers psychotherapy and counselling for adults on Dame Street in Dublin 2, or by video call where suitable. You are welcome to find a time that suits you.